It's Been 6 Months

Tomorrow will mark 6 months since Leora has been gone.

I keep seeing these commerials for a TV movie called For One More Day based on a best selling book of the same title. I have never read the book, but I remember seeing it advertised as Oprah's Book Club selection or seeing it in Starbucks when it was popular. When I see those commericials, of course it makes me think of her.

Leora and I had an interesting relationship. She was with with my dad for a very long time, so although they were not married, I did consider her my stepmom and for obvious reasons it was just easier to refer to her as such, rather than as my dad's girlfriend that he has been with forever.

She was a hard woman to get close to. I have learned the circumstances as to why she ws a hard woman to get close to through her short, difficult illness and death. Even though she was hard to get close to, here is what I know. I know I cared for her.

I know I cared for her because she was my dad's companion and helped raise my brother. I know I cared for her because she took a genuine interest in me as I grew up and in my family as I married and had kids. I know I cared for her because even through her gruff exterior, I recognize she wanted to please.

Because of the way the events of her death made me feel, the way I have felt the past 6 months, how much I have thought about her, how I have cried thinking back to what she was doing a year ago or what events she has missed or how at this time last year she already had her Christmas presents bought, wrapped and under her decorated tree a month ago, I know I loved her. I loved her because I know she really loved my kids and they were one of the most special things in her life.

I always knew she loved my kids and she loved that she was able to be called a grandma even though she didn't have biological kids of her own, but considered my brother and I her kids, so us having kids made her a grandma. I just had no idea how very much she loved all her grandbabies and loved being a grandma until after her death. That is hard for me.



It is an odd feeling, I don't even know the words to describe it, to not realize until it's too late how much someone cares or loves you or your children until they are gone. When someone you knew for a major part of your life was such a contradiction and now they are gone and you are left trying to still figure them out, understanding them more after their death. Knowing you didn't saying nearly enough of what they needed to hear because you had no idea they even needed to hear it. A gruff person whose greatest joy in life was being a proud grandma. A woman who never asked for anything, who acted like she needed nothing, but really needed so much; emotionally.

At times the past 6 months seem like they have flown by and here I sit saying "it's been 6 months". Other times 6 months seems like an eternity ago because everything about her death was so hard and continues to be for many more reasons than just she is gone. I feel like the last few days leading up to this 6 month mark have been really emotional for me and I can't quite figure out why. Of course the holidays are hard, especially Christmas will be hard.

What is hardest for me is my dad. I cannot imagine his loneliness, the feeling of doing it alone; when she did it all. He is doing well, but it is slow going. I will admit I feel a burden for him because we are still trying to help him do life alone; trying to help him figure out a new life. But that's more than I can get into now. Please pray for him. I would so much appreciate your prayers for my dad, Ron.

I know some of this might sound like ramblings. Just getting things off my chest and sometimes it feels good to just feel sad.




Look at her face. I cannot help but smile to know my children and my brother's child, of whom made her a grandma, brought her the greatest joys of her life.